Alice Wetterlund

I’m in these!  The following three fine videos in which I appear were crafted by myself and the members of my red-hot new sketch comedy troupe, The Gallery. We’re red hot because it’s NY in July, and everyone is! Hey-o! The last video is of my Stand-up set at a Superego Showcase.

I feel like these two videos should get married

I have no way of knowing if this book is good, because it so shrewdly illustrates a thing I have lived through, and with such doting detail, that it must be subjectively good only. Or, is it objectively good to read? It is objectively good. Yes. That last one.

Dear few but exuberant readers of this blog: Do me a solid and go buy the book shown at left. It’s about that thing you went through.

DAMN! The claws are out! It’s a total catfight between Tina Fey and all sluts everywhere! Beware waitresses at Hooter’s, Thanks to her episode of SNL last weekend, everyone knows you’re secretly responsible for the existence of Hooter’s! You and you’re damn hooters.

I’m not sticking up for Tits McGee or whatever her name is, but Fey’s “takedown” on the Weekend Update was overkill. Sure, McGee is a pretty tacky and may also be a Neo Nazi, but the real culprit is the dude that cheated on Sandra Bullock (or, if you believe in the “Oscar Curse,” the Academy). The victims, if we follow Tina’s logic, are hard working women who choose not to tattoo themselves or use their bodies to attract attention. Which would be okay, if the women in showbiz that have never had a hot or revealing picture taken of them weren’t so few and far between. Not that I object to seeing Tina Fey’s hot, hot legs and ass. Even in between the sketches on the episode she hosted! Not even then. But, as a woman I resent her flagrant use of the whore-word, and as a person I resent the hypocrisy (because chicks dig hypocrisy).

It’s not just the Women’s News segment. Tina, you brought us Mean Girls, the first all-female anchored Weekend Update, the first woman at the helm of the SNL writer’s desk, 30 Rock, and now you’re shitting on Dina Lohan? What gives? It’s not topical, it’s not warranted, it’s not even a very good impression, and most importantly it’s not funny. Not that anyone thinks SNL is trying to be funny, that dream, re-ignited when they hired the Lonely Island guys, was crushed when they fired Michaela Watkins and let Abby Elliot stay (Oh, and how’s that Michaela Watkins getting her own show thing going? Wow, for thinking someone should get their own show with such conviction that you fire them, Lorne really hasn’t done much else to make that happen. Not that he’s the type of guy to help people get their own shows or anything).

Writing this post is only really a reaction to reading the videogum review and deciding I’m the only one who cares about feminism because videogum doesn’t, or something. It just made me really sad to watch this episode, because Tina Fey is my hero, and Justin Beiber is an angel of sadness (Why can’t he stop nervously scanning the audience for his kidnapper?), but it also makes me sad to write anything remotely critical about Tina Fey, because she’s obviously not the problem any more than “whores” are. I just think, hey, let’s all try to create a world where women are allowed to wear whatever they want as long as they try to do good things with their lives? Like not steal husbands or pose with swastikas? In conclusion, I’ll apologize for the title of this post. Oh, brother!

…which is why I can’t spell “briefly” or any ie word properly on the first try.

Are you there Verizon? It’s me, Alice. I came home today to find my internet turned off. We sent you a check last week. Did you not see it? Please don’t break my virtual kneecaps here. Haha, c’mon guys. I’d hate for our tenuous relationship to truly sour, like that of Julie Snyder and MCI or this lady. You say call back during “normal business hours” and then do not state what on earth those hours are. It’s 2010. There are no ‘normal’ business hours anymore, not really. Especially considering, as my roommate suggested, your agents might be in India. So normal business hours here are like the middle of the night, which casts the term “normal” in a whole new absurd light. I could be calling at 8am and getting that message. I’m sayin’ though, what is the point of being secretive about when your agents are available? Also there is nothing on your Denial of Service page except information I already have, some bad html, and a stock photo of a woman on a laptop (right).

She cant figure it out either. She’s just trying to google how to get better fitting pants, for chrissakes. Let this lady CEO online already! And then also let me on too, plz.

And speaking of mystery ladies, this video is cuter than a cat trying not to fall asleep. Or, as Jason more accurately points out “This cat won’t let the neighbors get any sleep!” Cute isn’t the only thing it is, it’s awesome and inspiring to see a girl shred so mightily, but she keeps glancing at the camera and then looking away akwardly sorta like Garth when he played the drums or did anything. Watch until the end when she makes a little she-Garth “Teh” noise that is amazing. I dream of a future for her of ignoring her boyfriend’s request to just pick a place to go eat already and endlessly picking on the guitar from the couch.

This morning, as Iay catatonic half-slumber that ensues three seconds after I tell my alarm clock to shuddup, I mistakenly sent an email to myself. The subject of the email was “B”, and the body was empty except for “-Alice” which is in there automatically. I think I was just trying to tell myself to B gettin’ up in the most passive aggressive way possible, but there is an off-chance that I was reminding myself to Blog! So, here is some news about my life, in case you need an update.

• I have an Improve team. That’s what you call it when your Improv team is on a roll, man! Come see us on the 14th at the Creek! We will be performing alongside Robber Baron, who are an absolutely awesome Harold team at UCB and I want as many people to love them as possible because they deserve our love. If you want to know more about improv and the Harold and the place where I study it, family, you should check out the wonderful podcast from John Frusciante and Will Hines.

• Rich, of course, has the best Oscars recap out there and I don’t care what you say different. “Seriously, if Kristen Stewart hates being famous as much as she clearly wants us to believe that she does, she should just go away.”

• I have health insurance now! I’m daydreaming about my who my primary care physician will be the way I used to about what Bob Mackie-looking-thing the new Christmas Barbie would be wearing. I hope she is kinda mean to me in a way that shows me she cares, and not overly jocular like she thinks she’s on Grey’s Anatomy. Seriously, what a nightmare it would be to be a patient there. “You have to get a transplant, and the longer you wait to get on that list…the longer you wait to tell your body you love it the way I need to tell Alex I have real feelings for him…you only live once, you know what I’m saying?” No, I don’t! Not ever!

• I’m still watching Grey’s Anatomy.

• I know it’s partially my fault that I never enjoy seeing movies anymore, but the reason is that I keep going to see really mainstream movies and mainstream movies have too many ways to be bad. Maintstream= big budget and famous, famous stars. I cannot begin to describe how disappointing Shutter Island was. Partly because I can’t tell you ANYTHING about it because it would SPOIL it! Is it just me or should a truly good movie not be able to be SPOILED by facts about it’s plot? Also, I think 3D is a scam to make people go see things in the theater. Anyway, I’m going to go see the new Polanski joint tonight, so fingies crossed that I’m not disappointed. I’ll let you know.

• The reason I haven’t called you is because I’m working at my day job, and on many other exciting things that you will hear about soon.

I went through a phase of crushing on, and eventually dating musicians, and it sucked and I see what a cartoon I was and I’m embarrassed. But I won’t say that all musicians are jerks, or that I don’t know a lot of them that I think are great humans. I’m saying I don’t like to make grand, sweeping statements about a type of person, i.e. “All actors are megalomaniacs” or “Comedians can’t empathize” or “Lion tamers are surprisingly bad in bed,” because then, later, you look like an idiot if you end up marrying one of those types and have to eat your words. Julie Klausner’s new book seems, from the title, cover and description (…brimming with truisms to which any woman who’s been on a date will relate) like the kind of exception to my iron-clad sense of propriety that’s done with enough edge and humor and delicious observation that it’s worth the brief moral interlude. I mean, yeah, it’s bad to stereotype musicians as being egomaniacs that replace intellect with enigmatic brooding or with nothing at all, but if it’s just this ONE TIME, by the person who helped bring us Christmas Time for the Jews, then bring on the dish! But then you read it, and it’s somehow all of those things, cutting and brilliant and almost scarily funny, especially if you are one of the poor sacks that feature in her story. It’s all that and NSFWBS (Not Safe For Work Book Shelf), but, and here’s the surprising twist I’ve been clunkily leading up to, it’s not a bunch of sweeping generalizations! What The Christ?! Klausner dishes, but she’s telling you like she sees it, and there is an unwavering self-awareness and maturity that is shocking from someone so young, who furthermore has been on so many deeply shitty dates.

I want this book to be optioned, and not only because I want to play the lead role. But also because I want there to be a clutch cinematic montage of each time she cleans her apartment after a sleazy weirdo tries to camp out, or goes to the dermatologist, and the lead actress is a redhead and it’s me. You know?

Also, I would like to say that I finished this book the day it came out. That’s because I got an advanced copy from a friend, and if I didn’t tell you that you would think I was some sort of speed reader, or, alternately you know me and are reading this and would think it was 15 pages long. But the point is I haven’t been in the habit of finishing books or starting them, because I have been so darn busy, guys! But this one cannot be put down, and the ending is poignant, and satisfying. Be all “I am my OWN Valentine!” and pick up a copy from your local bookstore, which I can’t link to because I’m pretending not to know where you all live.

I know, right? Chilly. This map represents the weather, but also the comedy explosion that’s happening near you (maybe) during my “Own Back Yard” tour, happening from tonight and tapering off around mid-February. So many chances to see me perform you’ll have to TRY to miss me. For details check the Upcoming Events on your right. In the screen. Not actually next to you unless you’re my roommate right now at this moment as I type this.

Tonight! Jan 30- HOWDY STRANGER @ Creek 9pm
Tomorrow! Jan31st -Over the Counter Comedy @ Creek 10pm
Feb 05- The Arena @ Creek Tournament! Please come vote for us! 8pm
Feb 09- New Team Harold @ UCB (Manhattan) 6:30pm
Feb 10- Prodigy Comedy @ Eastville (Manhattan) 9pm
Feb 12- Friday Night Comedy @ Stockinette in Jersey City 7pm
Feb 13- Gimmik @ Creek (LIC) 8pm
Feb 28- Tell and Show w/ Neal Stastny @ Creek (LIC) 7pm