Alice Wetterlund

Hey- I am doing some behind the scenes stuff over here at AliceWetterlund.Com so GA Recaps, should they continue, have moved over to my tumblr.

Put Me In, Coach

Meredith V.O., “Surgeons can’t be lazy, the risks are too great.” We open on Meredith and Xtina laying in a field, staring at the sky and clouds. “The second we stop pushing ourselves, something terrible happens, something we never see coming.” This is the same opening as a while ago from another episode, which maybe only means they are making it a recurring thing Meredith and Xtina do, and not that something actually terrible is imminent. It’s hard to tell. We get a lot of exposition from this conversation, Bailey still hates Meredith, they haven’t heard anything about Zola, and Teddy is sucking the imagination out of Xtina with her endless routine surgery assignments. Alex Karev runs by to catch a softball and we see there is a sports practice in session. I saw Moneyball finally last night, this reminds me. It was so good you guys I want to own it physically and not just on a hard drive somewhere.

Mark Sloan is kissing some optometrist on the field and Lexie Grey notices this because she used to date him and then a billion things happened. Teddy wants to pitch, which is obnoxious. Another hospital’s team hits the field and they have practice outfits and are all evil-empire about everything. The other team’s coach actually tries to get in Owen Hunts head, telling him what a mess his team is (on the baseball field as well as in everyone’s specific field… of… surgical practice). Then, someone from our side is paged for a consult and everyone tries to get back to the hospital and quit playing softball. Why, did a guy try to check in to one of Seattle’s two hospitals and need some kind of surgery? Sorry, sir, your appendectomy will have to wait, literally every doctor in the area is playing softball right now. I’m not kidding there are extras in the background implying it’s more than just the usual crew.

We get back to the Seattle Grace. Teddy gives Xtina an angioplasty which is like the lamest heart surgery EVER! Owen Hunt tells Kepner that she needs to do more surgeries, and this absolutely stops her in her tracks. Have sex, virgin! A garbage-man comes in with lots of injuries and in all the excitement Calli gets mad at Owen, maybe about the man’s hand fracture, but I don’t know. Derek McScreamy turns down a patient because she doesn’t want to go with the risky surgery he wants to do on her young daughter. She begs him to do another, less experimental surgery because they flew from California just to see him, but he tells them to get back on their plane. Now the million dollar question: Is he doing this because of personal reasons? Yes! He screams so to chief of surgery Owen Hunt, his boss, who promptly fires him for misconduct. Haha, you wish. Owen Hunt gives him some gentle, encouraging words of support.

Teddy’s husband, who’s diabetes-preventing device is failing, is so charming! How does he deal with that crone? I feel bad for hating on her so much, but it’s just because no reason at all, you guys. Meanwhiles, Xtina doses a fat guy that’s annoying her during his general-anasthesia angioplasty. Shut up, random fat guy.

More baseball conversations. Teddy keeps saying she can pitch really well, in a way where you can tell she cant. Owen finds out that Teddy’s husband used to be a pro baseball player and says he can work at the hospital doing “anything he wants.” Is this show an injection against modern medicine in general? Arizona is prying into Meredith’s shit, and Karev goes to the DMV to challenge the adoption court not to take Zola out of Seattle grace’s care. There is an implausibly gorgeous woman who works at the DMV that sasses him a lot. GA writers: DO NOT make this woman get between Kepner and Karev! Their fate is sealed, do you hear me???*

Turns out the Garbage Man was a cool artist, and now his hand is shattered. Calli Torres tells him he is an amazing artist, and when he goes to call his wife she says “Make sure you tell her that I’m something of an artist myself.” Guys, don’t worry, she’s not just being insane, she’s got designs on building him a new hand.

Derek fix brain? He is messing around with a test probe to see if he can tell The Mom not to get back on the plane. Back to Karev, he finds a less stunning woman to snakeoil at the DMV by promising to look at her mole. Gross! She gives him the name of another person even higher up on the chain of adoption-court decision makers.

Meredith confronts Teddy about why she keeps giving Xtina grunt surgeries. Teddy says a speech about how “You have to go back to the beginning to understand the end.” and it makes total sense. Maybe I should go back to the beginning to understand my dislike of Teddy. Mere repeats the words “Back to the beginning” resolutely, like she’s a detective on a kid’s show. Hey, I guess she kinda is.

Hunt throws a ball to Meredith and Webber catches it and then is like WhyTF are we throwing baseballs in a hospital. Zero people answer or attempt to answer this question, least of all the GA writers. Lexie is good at softball, we learn from the greenscreen scene on the roof where McScreamy is hitting balls to help him get to the bottom of why his test probe isn’t working. The experiment works! This will allow more rich CEO’s to justify golfing all the time. The ones that watch GA and also feel they have to justify anything they do, that is.

Derek explains to the patient that he fix brain. She is convinced. Something about baseball. There is a scene in the conference room that is unbelievably confusing, but I gathered the uniforms for the softball team are too big. What if the softball plotline slowly took over and we almost never saw an OR?

Torres hands a drill to someone during surgery for the second episode in a row. Fucking Bailey! She spots Meredith in the hall with her mom’s journal and is all “Why do you have that.” and Meredith is all “Because it’s my mom’s journal!” and Bailey is all “Why do you have that.” and Meredith is all “Because it’s my mom’s journal!” Oh come fucking on, Bailey! Now seems like as good a time as any to mention this episode was directed by none other than Gypsy Oprah.

Meredith fixes the Mice Trial. Torres fixes the hand. Teddy fixes herself (She finally tells Xtina she’s done with the lame surgeries and she can go make a bucket list of dream surgeries! For a gleaming moment, I love her). Karev gets to the top of the chain of people at the DMV and has to confront a judge with Cancer during his chemo procedure which seems really heroic but only because he is so handsome. Will he be arrested? That would be hot.

That was the longest commercial break ever. Now we are at a softball game. Meredith and Christina are playing right field together drunk. Teddy was in my favor, now she’s back out because she’s the worst softball pitcher ever. Seriously why would you be so adamant about a certain position without ever having played it? Bailey is about to explain why she is mad at Meredith and then the camera goes wide and we can’t hear it. Bossman webber straightens it out post haste. WHY IS TEDDY STILL PITCHING?? Did people not notice that Lexie said she could pitc– Oh finally, I really wanted to see some fast pitch expertise. Let’s do this! Aw, shucks, that optometrist is being a bitch so Lexie throws a softball at her stupid bitch chest. Everyone gets drunk as hell. This would be a great time for Karev and Kepner to go home together but they are going to make us wait? Yes. Bailey, like a grumpy chastity belt, takes Kepner home.

Next week, Lexie and Avery break up. That’s the recap, btw, I’m not doing next weeks.**

*I never saw this woman again.

**A joke.

Poker Face

Here’s what happened. Twas Thursday of last week when I went out of town and thought, “Oh, I’ll be out of town, I can watch GA and then write that recap!” This is like saying, “Oh, I can go to Six Flags and knit that sweater!” Then the weekend happened, and many relatives and friends descended upon me, and we had a great time, but you don’t write recaps at Radio City, if you know what I mean. Wait, there is no innuendo there. I literally mean that. Also, I didn’t go to Radio City so it was doubly impossible (in fact I went to go see the delightful Paul F. Thompkins perform his comedy at The Bell House). So, it will be on time next week, boss. Oh, did you not know you were the boss of me? Yes, you are, and I was wondering if you could have a word with H.R. about those paychecks.

Then I thought, maybe they skipped a week because sometimes they do that. No dice! Shonda et. al. threw together an episode loosely based around “speaking your mind” or  some shit, and so I finally watched it and wrote about it. It actually wasn’t that bad because Gypsy Oprah was not there, but it was still pretty bad. In this episode, we find Meredith trying to find her new specialty in OB / GYN, delivering babies. For a moment I think that Addison Shepard is going to show up, because that would be really apropos since that is her specialty, and how full-circle! But no, Meredith’s new job is just an excuse for Alex and the other 5th year’s to ridicule her “vagina scrubs.” Offensive! Also why is it ok for all these doctors to talk during the morning briefing of Chief of Surgery Owen Hunt about how they have to not kill patients? And yuckola, why is Xtina being disgusting? She sexts Owen during the meeting and it is so, so gross.

What else? Bailey has enlisted Still-a-virgin Cheif Resident April Kepner as her helper in the mice lab which is not going well. Lexie Grey is McScreamy’s new attending. He hates everything! Meredith gets a 911 page from the the woman from last weeks Prime Suspect, who has a new husband and a brain tumor. It’s like some people get all the luck, you know? Xtina is Calli Torres’ attending and she wants to do a “hardcore badass surgery” building a  nice young man a new neck over the course of 3 days. Xtina is uncharacteristically dismayed by this because she needs lots of good outcomes, or because she won’t get to have implausible gymnastic intercourse with her husband at all times.

Karev is on Teddy’s dumb service, and their patient is…Ugh this guy, Chuck Kane, the aging debutante that doesn’t want a scar because he “does alright with the ladies.” He’s like a caricature of an archetype of a guy in a Mark Trail comic.

Meanwhile Mark sloan tells everyone about his cooking hobby. Why is the alternative family cooking so much? Oh, a silly reason that is sex-related in some way, of course. Owen Hunt goes on about budget reports, and some other things improv teams talk about when they are trying to do a generic office scenes. He and Xtina just keep on sextin’ all day and then meeting in all the offices and break rooms to consummate their sexts. It is as implausible as it is revolting. Webber does a boss-man yell at Hunt about it and it’s a tragicomedy, because you feel so bad that people have to keep catching them and hearing about it. Lexie tries to give McScreamy a reason not to McScream at her every second in the form of Prime Suspect’s tumor, and he won’t have it. Meredith coaches Lexi in the shower about how to make him take the case. What?

Kepner will be stuck manning the ER, and when she asks Karev to help out he flirts so hard she starts to cry. First he cruelly does an impression of her as an elder Jew, and then tells her she’s terrible at her job. See? It’s like he basically takes her virginity right then and there. Xtina is bothering her patient, a college kid with a neck thing whose bickering parents are making meaningful music play at jarring intervals. No one gives this guy a break, and I suspect that they are going to re-use the “kid-that-wants-his-parents-to-divorce” plotline. This so soon after the abortion episode, are we trying to piss off the religious right? Oh, wait, who gives a shit.

Yay, McScreamy takes the case! It’s classic, because the couple is divided about whether to go through with it. It seems like the reasons are contrived though they are not, maybe cuz they are not-contrived motives set in a world of ultra-contrived ones. Kepner convinces Meredith to take care of the mice for her by deepening her voice and it works because this is a TV show. Turns out, Meredith is really good with the mice. Meredith, if you have not noticed yet, is good at every single thing she does. Later Bailey rails on her about her work on the mice-trial, and this does not paint Bailey in a very attractive light. Like, she’s starting to seem like someone who could only attract, say, a Terrence Howard and not a Taye Diggs.

Mark Trail wants something called a TAVI, and Alex thinks it’s too risky and refuses to do it. Xtina becomes terrified that the surgery Calli Torres is performing on the kid with the neck thing and the bickering parents is going to kill him, and peaces out of the OR. In the end, the patient with the neck thing is fine and Mark Trail …goes away? The lesson to be drawn from this is to not be so afraid of killing patients. I am glad real surgeons have little time for TV.

Xtina tries to talk to Calli Torres about the case, and I think Torres has a brain tumor affecting the part of her brain that makes it possible to start and end a sentence and without relating it to her sex life.

I really don’t want Mcscreamy to fuck up this surgery, because Prime Suspect has been through enough! Derek loses a scope or something and has to go in blind, which I think means he just pokes around in a person’s brain, and saves the patient’s life this way. Beam me up, Scotty, I need to recharge my suspense of disbelief!

The Owen and Xtina sex plotline comes to a merciful end. Torres comes home and throws a Lodge Logic cast iron pan full of  food in the trashcan and then really sticks it to Mark for cooking so much food for her. It’s like come, on, Mark! The viewers of GA do not turn in to see you performing non-surgical tasks with a shirt on. Later at Joe’s bar, Kepner puts on her new attitude and makes Alex get a semi. My legacy is almost complete! Tune in one day from now to see if they make it in the conference room or the room they keep clean syringes in.

Love, Loss and Legacy

Yesss, back to the Meredith Grey V.O. cold open. Stop playing with my mind, Greys Anatomy. Meredith- “The human body is designed to compensate for loss.” Clearly this is a reference to the baby they may be loosing. I feel like I should feel bad for Derek McNightmarey, but in light of his recent behavior it he can’t even get away with “inconsolable about the loss of a child.” It all seems like “bitchy.”

Cheif of Surgery Owen Hunt stops Xtina from cooking breakfast by yelling “You don’t cook!” and it sounds like a military command. Ew, and then they do it on the kitchen floor that is certainly covered with food pieces and dust mites, if I am to take the rest of the set design at its word.

An insanely gorgeous man named Ben that has been fighting over Miranda Bailey is getting mad at her for seeing another scorching hot male nurse named Eli. Stupid Teddy makes some dumb comment. Bailey resists Webber’s attempt to get Meredith involved in his old stinky trial that he gave to her. She really hates Meredith right now, and I think it’s only because she is disappointed in her. Everything will be fine, GA fans. Mommy and daddy still love you.

Catherine Avery, Jackson Avery’s mom and a world-renowned surgeon, is doing a lecture in the hall. This means we have to try to care about Avery for a whole episode and I am already exhausted. Everyone thinks the lecture is gonna be boring until Dr. Catherine Avery comes out and is like a Gypsy version of Oprah. She brings out an adorable young man and makes him take his robe off and tells everyone that they will be performing the country’s first penile transplant. All the doctors gasp in disbelief, and one million moms set down their chardonnays and fan themselves.

Mark sloan is skeptical about the transplant and Gypsy-Oprah humiliates him, because everyone is a professional Doctor. I should stop and tell you that Catherine is played by Debbie Allen, an actress of stage and screen, dancer, choreographer, television director, television producer, member of the President’s Committee on the Arts and Humanities, and Phylicia Rashād’s little sister. She’s sort of a ten-of-clubs of all trades, and from the vibe of this whole epi I gather her and Shonda Rimes get wasted together. Gypsy-Oprah conducts a contest to see what 5th years get to scrub in on the penis surgery, and she peers at the contestants and shouts things like “Its very simple people! All it has to be…is perfect!” Which lets you know she wrote all her own lines.

Karev was winning the contest but suddenly he gets an emergency page and must forfeit. Meredith and Dr. Jackson Avery win! But then Zola is having a seizure because Meredith can never totally win. Also, neither can Karev! He is struggling with the notion of not being able to tell Meredith and Derek that their baby no feel good. Sorry, Zola is actually the cutest baby on the planet and it’s hard to talk about her widout doin’ baby voice! Yes! Yes it is!

Now we get to meet the penis patient, who I thought was gay but might just be midwestern, but either way is just cute as a button! He makes his speech about why he is having the procedure, which is a thing at Seattle Grace. Once you’re admitted, you have to sign all these forms and then at the back there’s a single lined piece of paper labeled “Please explain, passionately, why you are electing to have this procedure. You will have a chance to deliver these statements aloud while a bunch of doctors stand around you, humbled.”

Gypsy-Oprah loudly vocalizes her anger that her son turned down working with Dr. McNightmarey in Neuro to work with Dr. McSteamy in lame-o plastics, further humiliating Sloane. Then she tells Virgin April Kepner that she should try to have sex because “it will make her a better surgeon.” Then she tries to pick up Dr. Webber by doing a disgusting little-girl face. Why? Oh because she’s a world-renowned and well-respected surgeon.

Meanwhile Zola is getting worse and Meredith leaves the penis surgery and McNightmarey finds out and goes ballistic. Meredith finally persuades him to let Arizona Robbins do the surgery and not him so they don’t fuck with the adoption-suspension rulebook, but he is still McScreaming at everyone. He has a talk with Owen Hunt in the hall about how to forgive Meredith and Owen is all “Bitches, amirate?” During all of this, Gypsy-Oprah has tried to humiliate Sloane some more during the penis transplant because he is a plastic surgeon, and everyone’s arguing makes April Kepner fuck up a dorsal vein. Haha it’s because she’s such a virgin! Go have sex, virgin!

Bailey and webber have a gross conversation about how Bailey is banging this dude for kicks. Look, I don’t care that someone who looks like Bailey is getting to bang dudes that look like this:

God knows it doesn’t begin to make up for all the supermodels we are supposed to believe Kevin James has dated in every show and movie. It just bothers me because Bailey’s character is so clearly based on Shonda Rimes, and the irony isn’t hitting, because no one wants to be like “Bailey could not tap that.” There, I said it, let the chips fall where they may, as long as it’s near some dip!

Meredith talks to Xtina outside, and we are reminded that Sandra Oh is the glue that holds this whole thing together. Arizona admonishes Karev during Zola’s surgery about telling everyone. But Zola is ok, and Meredith finally cries, because it’s all so sad and difficult, and I’m assuming a little bit because Gypsy-Oprah was too much for her. A commercial tells us that Daniel Radcliffe is a musical comedy superstar, but I just think he’s showing us how to succeed on Broadway by actually trying a lot.

Bailey cleans up and breaks up with yet another person who is dating down. Joe’s bar! What? Seriously, this scene, I can’t. At Teddy’s dinner party everyone is tender. Meanwhile, Xtina has been taunting Owen by being really sweet and sort of motherly with Zola even though she just aborted their baby. Ok I’m going to address a serious issue now, please listen to this song if you have Spotify. There have been a lot of “I will never watch this show again“s in the comments on various GA boards in reaction to Xtina’s termination an episode ago. Which, hey, don’t let the door hit you in your collective ass on the way out! Now, I really don’t want to hate on all anti-choice people, but it’s hypocrisy when a fictional character does something on a show and then people decide that the show is advocating that behavior or even glorifying it. Many people wished the issue had been treated with more “sensitivity,” like why didn’t Xtina cry all over herself and show more remorse? Um, because she’s not emotive like that and that’s why she shouldn’t have a kid.  I’m going to go occupy wall street and blow off some steam, but in the meantime let me say this: I will never watch this show again if Debbie Allen is going to be staying around. That’s what my sign is going to say at the protest, I mean.

What is it About Men

I’d like to treat these recaps like I try to do with Facebook: get in, be funny, get out. That I would totally be watching this show even if I weren’t writing recaps complicates things, like how on Facebook I inevitably get distracted by things that really don’t concern me. What a perfect analogy. Almost as perfect as the analogy that this weeks GA episode makes with men and comic book nerds. Is that the analogy? There’s usually an analogy with the patients and doctors on this show, if you have never seen it before. This episode sort of lazily focuses on the men of the show and what makes them tick. Also, what makes them take their shirts off!

We open with Meredith and Derek in bed, still not getting along, and Derek (McNightmarey) accuses Meredith of being sad too much! BUT THAT IS WHY SHE IS HOT! No matter, she is henceforth banned from the episode. We follow Derek to his now ritual morning deck building. Where is this deck? Because if it’s on Bainbridge island he has to leave the mainland and that’s not on the way to his job. Why do I nitpick? It’s actually much more plausible than sleep deprived couples having sex every damn day. Yeesh, Wetterlund! Elsewhere in men’s lives, Virgin April Kepner is mad because she is doing Alex Karev’s laundry and he is leaving random thongs in there. We are mad too because they are going to have sex, but it’s going to take at least 3 more episodes. Dr. Avery takes credit for the thong for no reason, because MEN. Dr. Sloane (McSteamy) gets to take care of his baby today and what a fun acting job. At the hospital, Boss Man Webber is no longer chief and just wants to get his hands dirty in the O.R. Relax, civilians, no one’s hands are ever really dirty in the O.R.! Webber advises  Alex Karev to tell McNightmarey that he had “an appointment with Mayfield in 22 that went long” when he is late for that days surgery. I think this is code for pooping.

Cheif Owen Hunt is still akward, Webber is trolling for cases. In come the comic book convention freaks! Apparently there was a stampede at a nearby comic-con-like event which is the only thing remotely plausible about this storyline. Everyone knows you have to treat distinctive cultural groups with kid gloves when it comes to accuracy (you wouldn’t have an member of the Iroquois nation randomly speaking Ojibwe, for example). And there is no niche cultural group more cantankerous about inaccuracy than the nerds. First of all, everyone knows you don’t mix science fiction and fantasy. So why are there storm troopers and hobbits at the same stampede? WHY are there even hobbits at a stampede at all? And even more egregious- a sexy zombie nurse anywhere near any of this? Are you kidding me? Why not just make Leela have two eyes? Anyway, Webber claims the sexy zombie nurse as his patient and is bamboozled by her fake wounds. Uh, cool. Hey Webber, you can operate on me, I have this annoying arrow through my head! Speaking of arrows through the head, why is there a guy with an an ax in his face? Did Buffy put it there? Wait, is that a Pirate?

Ax Guy

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Alex begins examining a Hobbit who explains the stampede was over a Tardis replica signed by Russel T. Davies, because Hobbits are always so jazzed about Dr. Who. Anyway, the Hobbit falls in love with Virgin April Kepner from afar and Alex tells him to go for it. Another episode before they have sex may be in the works! Is there a Greys Anatomy convention I could stampede?

Cheif Owen Hunt continues to be awkwardly surrounded by piles of paper so Derek takes him to his deck so that he can indescriminantly saw and hammer things. MEN! Webber concerns himself with reminding young 5th years’ Alex and Avery how they should find the joy in their work because life is but a fleeting, gossamer thread in the self-healing suture of time. The Hobbit returns to the hospital and claims he is having chest pains, forcing Alex Karev to admit him so that he may creepily stare at April Kepner, who really does seem like a nerds dream. But then the Hobbit gets annihilated by a man who is angry at the conventioneers for parking on his lawn? This man is hitting everyone and totally hulking out! Maybe he’s mad because one of the writers confused The Hulk with Conan The Barbarian. Either way Owen expertly punches him in the face and all the men are very impressed.

McSteamy admits his baby to the hospital because he dropped her on the floor and she didn’t cry. She turned out to be fine, and this sub-plot was definitely was a good replacement for having women in this episode. Derek is trying to steal Avery from McSteamy’s service, meanwhile, because Alex Karev doesn’t get a boner for neuro. We see that what McNightmarey really misses is having Meredith around. So do we, Nightmarey. So. Do. We.

The Hobbit gets a crack at talking to April Kepner after his surgery and mentions that he is a hobbit and she gets akward about it, like she just noticed he’s in a wheelchair. It’s all ok though because a lady who was dressed like a nineteenth century aristocrat (!?!?!) is suddenly sitting next to him and knows all about Hobbits. Everyone is happy because when nerds are in love it’s cute and we don’t have to hear about Tardises anymore.

Then some other stuff happened, all of which is totally inconsequential and I refuse to write about it. The biggest thing was that Mayfield in 22 is where you go for erectile disfunction. Ha. Sorry, I just wish it was poo. Cheif Owen Hunt is supposed to apologize to the Hulk for punching him but then he pulls some dubious military tactics and assaults him some more. Men! McNightmarey starts running a boozy sweatshop at his deck with all the guys in the hospital which does result in his deck being lopsided.

If this episode is about chosing your favorite dude on the show, then I choose Karev. I think this will be a popular decision for 3 reasons. One, everyone is always mean to Karev even though his life has been exponentially more fucked than anyones (broken home, last gf tried to kill herself, wife had cancer and divorced him). Two, Karev has the most interesting and well-developed character arch, except for how if all the things that happened to him happened to a real person that person would be insane. Three, I think Justin Chambers is the best actor. Sorry McNightmarey, you just have too many of those glib mannerisms that seem like an acting crutch and remind me of your charachter from Can’t Buy Me Love. Tune in next week to get one more episode closer to Alex Karev having sex with April Kepner!

I tune in late but am able to diagnose that Owen Hunt (see way below) has been named the new chief of surgery, not Ex-Chief resident Miranda Bailey who was promised the job at least once. Boss-Man Webber resigns? Yes. He’s fine with it.

Everyone is jazzed about the day’s surgeries, which are happening in unison, it seems, even though normally there are a shortage of ORs. I guess all those ugly surgeons that never get to be on this show aren’t here today. Everyone keeps asking Meredith about Zola, but she wants to focus on clipping her first aneurism, a career milestone. Derek inevitably will find a way to make her feel sad about it and she will become even more attractive for it.

Owen and Xtina haven’t talked about their abortion. They have an awkward conversation that makes it seem like they haven’t seen one another in twenty years. Arizona Robbins rolls up on her wheelies and makes some narcolepsy jokes at Alex.

Meredith asks Derek if she should call the adoption counselor and he snarls “Do not call again, we’ve already called to much!” Wait are we still talking about a social worker? Or is this someone they want to have a three-way with? She asks him if they should even stay together. Derek: “We have a surgery, lets just focus on that.” I think that might be the first time in seven years that I have heard that uttered on this show. The titles flash on the screen followed by the words “created by Shonda Rimes.” Was Shonda like, “Lemme wait seven years to see if this show becomes a hit before I put my name on it.” Commercial break: I’m excited about 50/50!

Xtina faces off against the painfully stupid interns as Teddy watches from the background like the drunkard she is. In the kids area, Dr. Avery Jackson preps his baby-cleft pallete patient who is the most adorable, and the best thing is that the child who plays him will now be able to afford the exact same surgery! We hope. Arizona tells Avery he can’t do the surgery though because Dr. Sloane is better at it. Arizona is so good at delivering bad news that it’s scary she’s in pediatrics.

Boss-Man is excited to be leaving Seattle Grace. I am nonplussed, because he promised his job to Bailey and he did so on TV. And now he leaves and it goes to Owen Hunt, no explanations. All the lady doctors meanwhile sit around and gab. Aren’t people dying? I mean I know they are dying and I’m blogging but I don’t work at a hospital.

Owen hunt is fucking up with Bailey, but he may not know that it’s because she was verbally promised chief of surgery several times. I know! From TV! Teddy is being a douche. Hahah! That patients son just called Alex Karev douchey after I typed the word douche.

Boss-Man asks Meredith if she is ok what with her husband being a world-class asshole, but right before she answers he tells her he is only asking because if not, she can’t do her surgery today as Derek is her attending. Jeez!  Emotional bait and switch. Back in the day, this kind of crushing defeat would land Meredith in Joe’s bar, shots of tequila lined up before her like so many occupied ORs. I really don’t get why the surgeries are happening simultaneously.

Everyone suddenly wants to pratice-operate on this one pig, which is puzzling. Xtina has been ordered to do an appendectomy because it’s so basic and fundamental but she hasn’t done one in years and is panicking! Teddy is being proven correct right before our eyes! It’s like when Bush won the second term.

Owen v. Bailey round 2. Why is it being turned into a comedy that she is not getting the job of chief of surgery? I demand an answer, Shonda! I call thee by name (now that I am sure it’s you from those titles)!

Xtina is cleverly making the med students tell her how to do an appendectomy, but they don’t know that it is because she doesn’t know how. They are so helpless that it is impossible to make fun of this perfectly executed comedic scene. Touché, Rimes.

Alex Karev is so nervous about operating on the man who’s son called him a douche. Chief Resident Virgin April Kepner diagnoses his nervousness and proscribes tender glances, ensuring that they will have sex at some point.

UGH TEDDY!!!!! Seriously, her teaching technique is to be annoying! She asks Xtina in a childish manner what she is doing every 5 seconds during the appendectomy. Arizona Robbins is trying to psych out Dr. Avery as he is about to operate on a child’s face, because they are professional doctors. Derek and Meredith are having a fight about which size clamp to use, the subtext of which is their failing marriage. He is screaming at her at top volume! The pressure is on, Meredith! Will you fuck up this surgery as I scream at you? I’m going to call him McNIghtmare-y.

Back to Xtina’s appendectomy, where Teddy is grilling her. She seems to have forgotten how to finish the job. Alex is having trouble as well, with his nerves. We are entering classic quick cuts-between-surgeries mode, typical for the last quarter of the show. This is designed to call attention to the similitudes of the– Hahahahahaha Teddy also does not remember how to finish an appendectomy! Yes! Recount!

Meredith completes her surgery flawlessly, but McNIghtmare-y does not make everyone applaud her, as tradition goes. Everyone in the OR looks at him like the monster he is, and put their hands together anyway. I realize that the majority of the GA audience are going to be siding heavily with Meredith on most things, even though Derek is the one they call McDreamy. I’m saying we are edging slowly out of an-apology-and-a-shirtless-scene-will-fix-this territory.

Avery loses a bet they made earlier that I didn’t pay attention to. Xtina and Owen are drinking champagne with the chinese food they have ordered, presumably not because of the abortion. He goes and pukes up a springroll which is an icebreaker to their implausible awkwardness!

Meredith decides to not work directly under McNIghtmare-y at the hospital, because his trust in her has been undermined. Also, he has proven that working under him means being screamed at constantly, so it’s sort of a win-win. The empty crib stands as a harbinger of what may or may not come to pass. Tune in next week for that comic book convention thing I said was going to happen this week but did not!

I have been watching this show for 7 years and never writing recaps for some reason. So, yeah. Read on if you ever wanted to know what I thought about this show but were afraid to ask because I might tell you.

Grey’s Anatomy – 801 – “Free Falling”

Grey’s Anatomy (heretofore referred to as “GA”) episodes usually begin in the morning with everyone getting ready to start their day as surgeons at Seattle Grace Hospital, whilst fellating one another in the shower, like doctors. This one, however, begins with an unemployed man named Danny feuding with his bitch wife Susannah as she bitchily gets ready for work. As she puts on her bitch jacket and tucks her bitch laptop into its folio, she screams at him for not buying groceries because that is the one thing she asks him to do. This is like if the coffee mug that says “I haven’t had my coffee yet…DON’T MAKE ME KILL YOU” came to life. Were this the first episode of GA that you ever saw you might think Danny and Susanna are regular cast members, and that the characters on this show are unnaturally trite and cartoonish. Well you would be wrong about one thing because I have never seen these two people before, and I can’t wait for something horrible to happen to them. At one point Susannah actually says, “I know how a person gets a job, Danny, I have one. Remember?” Oh please, fall into a sinkhole and get your leg crushed, Susannah. Then when you complain about missing your leg, Danny can be all “I know what it’s like to have a leg, Susannah, I have two! Remember?”

Next, we see that Meredith, the main person on the show, is living with best friend Christina in her mom’s house, because they both are also feuding with their husbands. Morning involves both of them caring for Zola, Meredith and estranged husband Derek’s adopted african baby. Meanwhile Owen, Christina’s estranged husband is helping Derek build his dream home out of some rocks on what appears to be Bainbridge Island, because there is some extra time before work when no ones getting bj’s.

Grumpy-hot pediatric surgeon Alex Karev is living at the hospital, I forget why. Lesbian superfamily Arizona Robbins and Cali Torres enter the hospital with their child in tow and sign some papers, and almost everything is ok but then Teddy, cardiothoracic surgeon and worst-person-ever besieges their baby with overly cheerful cooing. Teddy is insufferable because she’s getting laid with that man who she married in an act of astonishing unprofessionalism so that he would have health insurance. She even describes said sex as “earth-shattering” Which lets you know she watches OWN a lot. Gross!

Some kind of meeting is going down in a cafeteria where no one is respecting the virginal Dr. April Kepner, who recently replaced Miranda Bailey as Chief Resident. She asks Dr. Bailey how she can get people to listen to her and Bailey tells her how to make a perfect egg sandwich before telling her to figure it out herself. Meredith and Christina share a moment of exposition, and we learn that Derek is furious with Meredith still for corrupting their clinical trial. Christina just wants an abortion but she hasn’t gone through with it yet because Owen is mad at her for said abortion-intent. There are a lot of expositiony conversations in this episode. Chief-of-surgery Webber walks in. I am going to call him Boss-Man webber because there are just too many chiefs here. Boss-Man Webber can’t help Kepner guide the meeting or whatever is going on, because he is distracted by having to ask Meredith into his office, and Meredith is like “Oh of course.” This is her signature hang-dog foxiness. No one on tv has been able to pull off downtrodden-sexy like Ellen Pompeo, and I’d like to float a theory that life keeps dealing her lemons so she can look so awesomely sad all the time.

Back to Danny and Susannah– sinkhole on! Susannah falls into a sinkhole in the middle of the street created by the weight of her own bitchiness, with Danny and their car to follow. Soon they will be at Seattle Grace having the best care in the American Northwest, providing no one breaks up or has sex in the O.R. during the surgery. Good luck, Susannah, not that you deserve it. Cali and Owen are first to the scene, where Calamity Jane from Deadwood gives them the rundown of The Great Northwestern Sinkhole. This show is never in short supply of lesbians real and imagined, possibly because GA is based in Seattle. Meanwhile, Meredith was fired, and everyone is so mad that about it. Virginal April Kemper keeps fucking up her job some more, because no one respects her. The job of chief resident is managerial, which is a great thing for someone who doesn’t make time for sex, but it does require the leadership qualities only someone who has been defiled can posses. Do I sound like I am making that up? No worries, this show is also made up.

Also, at some earlier point we found out that Christina wants to want to have a baby but she can’t because surgery is her baby. She is like the Xtina of surgery if surgery were singing. Meredith gets mad and goes and sits with Zola in the nursery for a while, but then the social worker that is monitoring the adoption pops in for a surprise visit. Do social workers do that? Like, is it legal? Meredith lies to the social worker about her job sitch. I get it, because Meredith is punk rock and questions authority, but now her beautiful African baby that she adopted on the whim of her supremely petulant husband might be taken away. Derek learns of this infraction and he is livid! Derek and Meredith fought staggering odds to be together, and in the twenty-odd times he almost lost her he swore he’d never take her for granted again. Except for exactly one month later when he behaves as though his beloved wife is a loathsome pariah.

In another room, Teddy is grilling Christina, because she wants her to go through the basics she feels no one trained her on five years ago. She’s doing this because she’s happy? Her explanation of why this makes any sense at all leaves much to be desired. Teddy loves to shoehorn her personal shit into everything work-related and it’s obnoxious even on a show where shoehorning personal shit into work shit is the name of the game.
Ok guys, we are getting so close to the end of this episode. What? There is another episode right after that is also part of the premiere event? Why would they do that? Are they addicted to work, like surgeons? Ugh.

Anyway, Meredith confronts Owen about Xtina’s non-abortion. She tells him not to punish Xtina for being the woman he fell in love with, which almost makes his terrifying white eyelashes fall out with the weight of his shame. During all of this, no one is updating the bulletin board when they move patients around which is causing confusion, because they thrill-seeking surgeons. Virgin Chief Resident April Kepner is supposed to keep track of it but is being foiled by all the other hateful, sexually active surgeons as they go about switching clipboards and patients around and not telling anyone. Someone almost cuts open the wrong guy and Virgin Chief Resident April Kepner is blamed, even though it’s her first day and she is being sabotaged. Someone fuck April Kepner! Ex-Chief Resident Bailey convinces Boss-Man Webber that they need a “Gunther.” Also, weirdly, that she thinks Meredith sucks and deserved to get fired. Bailey seems to have really strong opinions about people that sometimes fly out of left field but it’s ok because in 7 seasons of GA she hasn’t done anything warranting her dismissal and absolutely everyone else on the show has. Meredith kidnaps her own baby. Punk rock lives. Tune in one paragraph later to see what a Gunther is.

Grey’s Anatomy – 802 – “She’s Gone”

Magnificent lesbian Cali Torres, back from talking Danny through cutting his wife’s leg off down in The Great Northwestern Sinkhole,* expositions that a Gunther is a team-building exercise where a bunch of feuding doctors work on a patient together. Through their fighting a leader emerges and he or she is called “The Gunther.” Bailey wants Susannah to be the patient for the Gunther, and so it’s Ok that this exercise has the potential of killing her because she is a cartoon villain.

Teddy and her Husband Henry blah, blah, blah. Webber is putting a thing Henry’s chest that has to do with his diabetes trial? And he hands the procedure over to Bailey, because he is secretly planning to take the fall for Meredith so she can still be on the show. Boss-Man!

Meredith is not answering her phone or pager and Derek is positively shrieking with some mixture of rage and smugness. Punk rock! During the surgery on Susannah nearly everything is going wrong but this bitch won’t die! Avery Jackson emerges as “The Gunther” because Xtina stabbed alex with adrenaline or something, and his heart stops beating for a second. Everyone is annoyed by this near-death experience, especially Xtina because she was so going to win the Gunther.

Xtina convinces Alex that he needs to help Meredith explain to the adoption counselor why she’s been gone for four hours. They make a plan and decide to tell everyone that Zola had some complications from a surgery that to everyone’s credit, actually happened. The adoption counselor is not satisfied, and takes Zola. Derek goes to comfort Meredith, because he’s such a good husband. Sike! He walks away from her in leaving a cloud of judgmental neurosurgeon mist in his wake. Cue crestfallen-sexy Meredith face.

Boss-man Webber tells everyone about his plans to take the fall for Meredith. Derek seethes that Meredith must suffer! But the Boss-Man shuts him down, which is satisfying. See, he had an affair with Meredith’s mom 20 years ago and is not done repaying his sins for ruining her childhood and making her be so punk rock. He tells Derek to stop punishing her.

Some of this is kinda out of order, sorry! I don’t like working hard. Xtina and Owen make up and they go to abort her child together. Doctors! Also Susannah wakes up and is so happy her husband Danny stayed. He pathetically kisses her and all is well. Tune in tonight for the new episode, where a stampede at a comic-book convention leads to an array of colorful characters in the ER. Haha, I’m serious!

*My fiancé is from Seattle, and he has confirmed that sinkholes are an almost daily occurrence.

Thanks be to everyone at laff hole for a great time. I loved even the drunk loudies.

It’s July. You ask me where my next show is but I am too lazy to tell you and you’re too lazy to scroll down on my website one half a page. UNDERSTOOD! Here’s the direct link to my show calendar.

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I love this, love these guys, and I never posted it when it was debuting and now it’s the perfect time to give it some more play. Also cehck out their wonderful podcast!